The heat got to me...

I rarely go back and read anything I wrote, anywhere really. Which, when I think about it is kinda stupid. Why journal, blog, etc if I'm not going to learn from my own crap? Anyways. I was looking back at the very first one I wrote on myspace, sometime last year. Now you, whoever could possibly be reading this, has to go back and read it too somewhere in the myspace world...ha! Anyways...I did have some great thoughts and realizations for where I was at the time. However, I look back at them now and just think to myself (has anyone ever though how goofy that saying is? Whoelse would we be thinking to?) Anyways...since I wrote that blog, I've been through what I would consider...a desert. A dreaded but oh so powerful desert. For those that read the Bible, you know what that means...for those who don't or just aren't all that familiar, that's ok...I'm not that familiar yet myself and all that means is that you're in a place where you feel alone. You can't seem to get God to answer or be anywhere where you can actually feel Him.

Over the last several months, since my birthday in April, really, I've been at a place where I just haven't been able to hear God or feel Him anywhere around me....AT ALL. I'd say I'm back to a place where I feel Him now...but I was at an awful stand still it seemed from April until just about a month ago. For some reason...all the things I thought made me a 'good' Christian really just made me angry. I was exhausted from constantly trying to be...perfect. I had always been the perfect student, the perfect daughter, the perfect athlete...and since I became a Christian...I did what I know how to do. Strive strive strive until I just can't anymore. So...instead of drawing near to God, I got mad at Him and went on my merry way into sin.

Now...we all sin on a very daily basis...but I'm talking about sin I thought I had already broken free from. The kind you swear you don't ever want to be involved in because you just know you shouldn't...and then it happened. I CHOSE to do things my way and tell God I didn't need His help...after all, He didn't help me get rid of the sin the first time...so I just thought I knew how to go about things on my own. Little did I know He was actually still pursuing me. It actually can be a little annoying (sorry God) but how many times have you tried to get away, and no matter what you do, He's still there!? How awesome is He, seriously! Me, though...I just didn't want to admit that He actually loves me. I mean...what?! That sounds so hokey...but I think there are so many people out there chasing after the perfect love or just someone in general to show them love like in the fairytales...when in reality...on this earth, it doesn't exist. Ha...cynical sounding I know. But I don't mean it like that. I mean...we search, dig, throw ourselves into holes looking for this ultimate love we think exists in another person...and we don't realize...He IS love and people fail. We as humans, will always fall short of expectation and perfection. We were made this way, way back when Eve took that dreaded bite of what we call an apple as Adam stood next to her and let her do it.

So...my early striving to be the perfect everything, spilling over into my new found faith in God...only made me tired and angry at the One I was trying so hard to please. Sound familiar? A little resentment there? I felt like He made me do do do all these things to gain His love and acceptance. How ridiculous it sounds now because He doesn't require any of that to receive His love. But over the last few months...how real the pain and anguish has been over wanting so badly to go my way out of anger and exhaustion...but so strongly being pulled back to Him. Sometimes...obedience just doesn't feel good...but it wouldn't be called faith if we always knew what was at the end of our road. :)

Anyways...I continue to find that I truly don't understand so much of what following God and trying to be Christ-like means. I know I am not perfect. I am incapable of being what our culture considers to be the perfect Christian. There are so many people out there walking into our churches and walking right out without ever engaging the God who loves us...and who on the outside seem to be the ideal Christian. I've read the right books, listened to the right music, been around the right people...but you know what? All that is empty and in no way glorifying to God if the root of it is for the mere acceptance we seek in other people or for some personal goal of perfection and a 'way to go, look what I can do.' I refuse to be one of those people anymore. I want to unapologetically and without caution seek after THE One true love. More of Him. More of His Word. More love than I could ever possibly imagine even exists.

I say this...God thank you for loving me no matter what I do...no deed gets me your love, you give it freely and showed me physically with Christ on the cross...please open my mind and heart to that fact constantly. Show me the pride in my heart for what I think I know and what I think I can accomplish apart from You. I pray against pride welling up inside when I figure something out. It wasn't my know how that figured it out, it was you allowing the mind you gave me to open up and let more of You in. Show me the sin I can let go of so that I can be closer to You. Show me Your love...whether it's in the music I love to listen to, the awesome gift of the amazing friends I have, old and new, or in the lowly pits you promise to pull me out of.

Thanks for reading.